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Step 4: Set Ground Rules
Once you have a willing experimental partner, it is especially important that you are clear on what you want to try and how deep into the lifestyle you want to go. While your desires may change and develop over time as you are exposed to different experiences, like Anastasia’s did, you want to be clear on where you want to begin. Do you want to try some nipple clamps? Is a little caning what you had in mind? Are you hoping for some dirty talk, even humiliation? Perhaps you want to experiment with some table play? Or maybe you are looking to go all the way and be collared, living the BDSM lifestyle 24/7.
As you saw in the Fifty Shades movie or read in the book, most BDSM couples have a contract. This outlines hard limits, soft limits, expectations, how often they will see each other, punishments, who will pay for what, and more. There is a lot to be said for a sexual contract, whether you are in a BDSM relationship or not. Like the sexual inventory in my book, a contract forces couple to have great sexual communication and to talk about a list of potential activities they might never consider. A preprinted list can take the anxiety and shame out of the conversation. I don’t think that most couples need an actual contract, but I do think that many benefit from open conversations about what they are comfortable doing in the bedroom and what they are not. The idea of soft and hard limits, those things that you are hesitant but willing to try and those things that you definitely don’t want to do, is healthy for couples to talk about.
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Step 5: Play Safely
If you do decide to play in the kinky world, make sure you read up and educate yourself, especially when it comes to safety procedures. Use safe words. Make sure you have a physical sign if a ball gag is being used or communication is going to be difficult. Don’t ever leave the room if your partner is tied up. Don’t drink (or do drugs) and kink. Save the fisting and floggers for the highly experienced doms among us since they can cause great injury. Even the most experienced couples tend to stay away from fire, needle play, torture, and electricity. It is also crucial that all activities be safe, sane, and consensual, as they say in the BDSM world.
It takes training and education to be a good dom. I believe the allure of the Fifty Shades series is about more than blindfolds and riding crops. E.L. James tapped into something that is not just about sex. Christian is a superb dom. Some person you meet in a bar is unlikely to have his skill. Even an experienced master won’t behave like Christian.
Step 6: Understand What About BDSM and Kink Appeals to You
Viewers responded to more than the character’s good looks, toned body, financial position, power, and success. His singular focus on his partner, his disinterest in other women, the way he tuned into her subtle cues, his encouragement to embrace her sexual desires shame-free, his ability to help her feel comfortable about her naked body, the way he was constantly coming up with new sexual activities to try together, the way he nurtured her before and after a scene, and the way he ultimately opened up and became vulnerable to Anastasia once he trusted her have an appeal that resonates deeply with so many women, whether they’re into BDSM or not.
I hope these suggestions help you talk about and find your inner Anastasia (or Christian) with the right partner and, as Christian says, “explore your sensuality” to its fullest.
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